5-3-1-2

5 years 3 months 1 week and 2 days.

 actually 46 236.517 hours.
 or
rather, 2 774 191.02 minutes.

so full from LOVING him with every bone in my body, pulse of my blood, breath in my soul and hope in my heart.

Empty...

            ....bRokeN          ....lost        .....anGry....                                   ReborN

Dismissed                      ....USED                               ----faithful   EXposed...


FooliSH----                                      peace...                        cared for

                .....quiet                 scarED***                        ...Still LOved




2 weeks ago i was planning a vacation and summer bbq's
playing with my puppies and cooking dinners for my husband. those Last weeks I was WHOLE and HAPPY and OBLIVIOUS.

TODAY i sit.

 Alone,  in a room at my parents' home trying to make my life make sense, hoping its not real and knowing that it is.

Praying for strength and recieving daily blessings that let  me know HE has not forgotten me and that THEY all love me.

Grieving for what was and what was thought, and what will never.

Aching

Learning

Smiling

Dying

soon it will be done and my Sunday will arrive.

On that day, there will be no pain when i look to the past, as i will already be in my future building a new dream and living more of my life.

Today, I am without him.

Today, I ache, for my lost friend.

Today, I continue to learn how to be without him.

Today, I smile at the sun, at the love and support.

Today, more dreams die and are released.

Today, I am living my life....in the 1 987 200 seconds that have passed since it changed.