Shades of life

Clarity

2011-12-27T20:46:00.001-08:00

"If one hope is all you have, you already have more than most."

I've been thinking lately about the new new year and all the things that I'm going to do to make it better than this year. I'm going to learn more, eat healthier, be patient, explore, travel, and work on those occasional swears that still slip out when I'm frustrated( hence the be patient) I've given up all sorts of vices over the past two years you'd think that it would be easier... As I am busy looking ahead I had to take a moment to look back over this year and give thanks for ALL of the amazing support I have been given and for the unbelievable blessings that have been rained down on my head. In those moments of pure and complete desolation, despair, and grief, I never would have thought that getting a divorce would be the thing that set me free and gave me direction. No, I'm not crazy, I just have hope, and clarity, a wonderment of peace has been given to my life. I look forward to the next chapter and know that as I continue on this path I will be blessed with all I need and surrounded with people who have my best interest in mind. 2012 I welcome you and hope that I never forget the blessings of 2011.

2011-10-11T23:19:00.000-07:00

I love stormy, drizzling days just before autum hits the year full on. It fills me with the anticipation of a new year. I can almost see the fireworks and the countdown clocks,feel the hope and resolve in my heart to make a better life, be a better person and to solve last year's misdeeds. I have an unprecidented desire to star anew and to move into a new time of my life. I have been dreaming of January 1st 2012. Oh, what a deliciously comforting day that will be...i just know it! It's time now, and I can feel it I'm ready to dream again-

Beyond

2011-08-22T22:56:00.000-07:00

moments when what i'm feeling is so big, i wonder how i manage to breathe.when, the lonliness is so deep i could drown
my heart begins to race and my eyes burn with the unshed tears.
oh, that i could close my heart and not know this pain
my life it seems is destined to teach me loss
i am strong, i can survive, i am here.
to love another against all self doubt; was a task i'd never thought to learn
my heart slows
tears run dry
the days and weeks continue
i would that my heart wasn't broken
but it is and still i am here
my Lord and my life is what moves me beyond
i can forgive, and with my faith i'll leave doubting behind.

Summer lovin'

2011-08-11T21:34:00.000-07:00

i love waking up late on the weekends and eating cereal for lunch.

i love spontaneous water fights.

i love knowing i was raised strong and can rise above my hardships.

i love ridiculous oversized sunglasses.

i love that my brother moved home and i can see him when i want.

i love the ability to work and earn my living.

i love to snuggle in bed with my mum and have long chats.

i love to chew blue trident gum and think happy thoughts of my gram.

i love the sound of kids playing in the sprinklers.

i love popsicles...ok, ok just the purple ones.

i love summer driving at nite with the windows rolled down

i love giggling with my pop about silly, silly things.

i love chillin with momo and watching our shows.

i love sharing my netflix account with that girl in cali...even if she watches animae.

i love new beginnings.

i love my family.

i love thursday s( or as i call them office supply love day).

i love reading on the backportch as the sun goes down.

i love when my ipod gets stuck on maroon 5.

i love that my Gbaby knows the people on jersey shore personally (she thinks).

i love Summer.

i love that my biggest brother serves our country proudly.

i love that i'm "aunt b" to 8 of the cutest neices and nephews ever!

i love counting my blessings in such a fun way.

i love The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Final.

2011-07-25T10:58:00.001-07:00

If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment.- Henry David Thoreau

Man I sure hope so.

We can.

2011-05-30T22:37:00.000-07:00

It seems that through all the changes in my life recently, I have reawakened my writing bug. So far so good, it's nice to have this creative outlet back. I dedicate this particular piece to all my family who have served and are serving still our beautiful country. Thank you for giving of yourselves to protect and serve this place we call home, and thanks to those who stayed home and supported them in their call to serve.

We can.

When we've gathered to the church in spring,

then sat on a porch in summer.

Gone rolling round the leaves of autum,

and placed the star atop a christmas tree.

We do because we can,

we can, because we're FREE.

The price was high and the soldiers did go,

alone and fierce they kept the foes away.

This land is home and our home we love,

but our peace does not come easy.

Sacrifice required of all who hear the call to arms.

They know the danger, know the strife.

Yet chose to go, so we all might stay,

never seeing the other way.

Green, the gentle spring goes orange at heat of summer.

Drifting, red leaves from fall go out upon the deafening whites of winter.

Gone and gone again, going on before.

We live because we can
and we can because we're FREE.

Our home is here and here we love.

In peace at home we'll keep.

A safe passage

2011-05-29T21:07:00.000-07:00

I once was small and though it seems I've grown, things change.

Where it was grey, the sun now shines... clear, bright and warm.

A quiet fall day when two were one, turns to spring and nothing.

Broken pieces mend and shift, becoming something new.

Colors brighten and your smile returns, a lost friend reunited.

The focus shifts and when you notice least, things resolve.

Long abandoned, dreams grow and flourish.

Long ignored, truth's restored.

Long loved, people strenghten.

There comes a time in life when nothing turns out right,

you reach out for something and find only yourself.

People leave, dreams evolve and then you live.

Live your life

2011-05-15T18:58:00.000-07:00

This is what I have faith in,

living your life.

Living your life when it's hard and uncertain.

Living your life when you don't like what's happened.

Living your life faithfully in a new direction.

"Faith in something greater than ourselves enables us to do what we have said we'll do, to press forward when we are tired or hurt or afraid, to keep going when the challenge seems overwhelming and the course is entirely uncertain."
~Gordon Hinckley

5-3-1-2

2011-04-26T19:33:00.000-07:00

5 years 3 months 1 week and 2 days.

actually 46 236.517 hours.
or
rather, 2 774 191.02 minutes.

so full from LOVING him with every bone in my body, pulse of my blood, breath in my soul and hope in my heart.

Empty...

            ....bRokeN          ....lost        .....anGry....                                   ReborN

Dismissed                      ....USED                               ----faithful EXposed...

FooliSH----                                      peace...                        cared for

                .....quiet                 scarED***                        ...Still LOved

2 weeks ago i was planning a vacation and summer bbq's
playing with my puppies and cooking dinners for my husband. those Last weeks I was WHOLE and HAPPY and OBLIVIOUS.

TODAY i sit.

Alone, in a room at my parents' home trying to make my life make sense, hoping its not real and knowing that it is.

Praying for strength and recieving daily blessings that let me know HE has not forgotten me and that THEY all love me.

Grieving for what was and what was thought, and what will never.

Aching

Learning

Smiling

Dying

soon it will be done and my Sunday will arrive.

On that day, there will be no pain when i look to the past, as i will already be in my future building a new dream and living more of my life.

Today, I am without him.

Today, I ache, for my lost friend.

Today, I continue to learn how to be without him.

Today, I smile at the sun, at the love and support.

Today, more dreams die and are released.

Today, I am living my life....in the 1 987 200 seconds that have passed since it changed.

Sunday will come.

2011-04-24T22:53:00.000-07:00

I heard this ealy this morning during a sacrament talk and have thought of nothing else all day, I am so greatful for the spiritual boost i recieved to day on this Easter Sunday and the joy i feel thinking about my Risen Savior.

"I think of how dark that Friday was when Christ was lifted up on the cross.

On that terrible Friday the earth shook and grew dark. Frightful storms lashed at the earth.

Those evil men who sought His life rejoiced. Now that Jesus was no more, surely those who followed Him would disperse.

On that day they stood triumphant.

On that day the veil of the temple was rent in twain.

Mary Magdalene and Mary, the mother of Jesus, were both overcome with grief and despair. The superb man they had loved and honored hung lifeless upon the cross.

On that Friday the Apostles were devastated. Jesus, their Savior—the man who had walked on water and raised the dead—was Himself at the mercy of wicked men. They watched helplessly as He was overcome by His enemies.

On that Friday the Savior of mankind was humiliated and bruised, abused and reviled.

It was a Friday filled with devastating, consuming sorrow that gnawed at the souls of those who loved and honored the Son of God.

I think that of all the days since the beginning of this world’s history, that Friday was the darkest.

But the doom of that day did not endure.

The despair did not linger because on Sunday, the resurrected Lord burst the bonds of death. He ascended from the grave and appeared gloriously triumphant as the Savior of all mankind.

And in an instant the eyes that had been filled with ever-flowing tears dried. The lips that had whispered prayers of distress and grief now filled the air with wondrous praise, for Jesus the Christ, the Son of the living God, stood before them as the firstfruits of the Resurrection, the proof that death is merely the beginning of a new and wondrous existence.

Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again.

We will all have our Fridays.

But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.

No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come."

Elder Joseph B. Worthlin

I don't really have the words today to express how these words and the significance of this day touched me today. I can't show you the the scars on my heart that were stretched and faded with hope and love. I'll never know what Heavenly father has in store for me and i'll never know how tosay what the support i have recieved these last few weeks has meant to me. So, in this one of the harshest friday's of my life i have glimpsed my Sunday ahead and i know that it will be here soon.